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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.